I was recently considering what to write to a friend about "my reality" of motherhood. I realized that for me, parenting hasn't been much like what I pictured when I first became pregnant. I had expectations of snuggles, and sweet moments, rocking chairs and stuffed animals, even dirty diapers, crying, and sleepless nights followed by tired days. And while these expectations were met, and have been a huge blessing to me, there was also a side of parenting that overwhelmed me. I wasn't completely naive, I just didn't expect the mental battle that accompanies parenting.
Some women face that battle immediately, with post partum depression, or even the overwhelming stress that comes with having a colicky baby with no explanation why. For me, it started after my 4th child, Noodle, was born. He had jaundice, and I had to take him back to the children's hospital for daily blood draws until his bili level went down. The first day, I took him in by myself. We drove a half hour to the hospital that I have literally been to a hundred times. There have been ER visits, asthma hospitalizations, lunches with my sister who works in the hospital complex, and my mom's cancer care clinic was there too. So this time, of course, I got lost. Granted, there was some construction, but it really shouldn't have been a big deal. I called my sister, freaking out, asking for directions. That got me to the hospital, but the lot was torn up too, and I couldn't figure out my way to the parking structure. I began crying uncontrollably and finally just parked in the emergency room lot, which is a big no-no there. I grabbed Noodle and rushed into the ER doors, where a nurse came running for me. I guess she thought something was seriously wrong with the newborn I was holding, since I was a total crying wreck! After I explained what was wrong, she found someone to cover her job for a bit and walked me all the way through the hospital to the lab, stayed while the blood draw was done, walked me to see where I should park the next day, and then back out to my van. Seriously, I was such a mess that she was afraid to leave me alone. She probably thought I was going to go off the deep end if I got lost one more time, and she wasn't wrong.
That was the start of what I call my period of "Parenting and Panicking." For the next 2 years, I had severe panic attacks that were just unexplainable. I stopped being able to go outside at night by myself, I couldn't breathe from fear if my husband went to work and didn't make sure the basement door was locked before leaving, I couldn't even go downstairs by myself after dark to do laundry. I spent money on new curtains for the house to replace sheers or thin curtains because I was terrified people could see into the house, and I had a recurring nightmare that I was in the minivan with all 4 crazies, we would drive off a bridge into water and I had to try to choose who to save, since they were all in carseats and I couldn't save them all. I would wake up in a sweat, panicked and crying, so I started losing sleep.
Around 18 months into this panic period, my mother passed away. I spent a few months feeling even more alone, more terrified, more panicked. The hardest part was that I didn't feel like I could talk to people about what I was feeling. I was pretty sure my "weirdness" was starting to annoy my husband, my family and friends know I am a Christian, and I felt like I was failing to trust God because of my panic and didn't want to share my lack of faith. I didn't know how to share what I was feeling without feeling worse about myself, or more stressed about what people would think of me. I was reading my Bible, praying, and just trying to remember that God doesn't give us a spirit of fear, that he gives us his power, strength and love. But in each moment, Iwould panic, and I would feel failure all over again.
Then one day, a bit over 2 years after the panicking started, I was praying and came to realize what was at the core of my panic. I realized that I was overwhelmed by motherhood. I was dealing with the knowledge that there are things that are beyond my control, evil people, dangerous situations, hazards, etc. that I just cannot protect my kids from. I can't control the economy, it may crash and my kids may grow up with less than they need. I can't keep a criminal from coming into my home by buying dark curtains. My nightmare of having to choose which child to save was based in reality, I am not strong enough to pull 4 kids out of a sinking car, or to carry 4 kids out of a burning house. There are simply things that I cannot do, there are simply things about motherhood that are beyond my abilities. There are ways I want to protect my kids, that are just not possible. But there is a God who loves my kids, so much more than I do. There is a God who loves my kids enough to send his son to die to provide life for my children. He wants so much more for my children than I do. He wants so much more for me than I realize. And he promises to be with me, to be with them, always.
It has been a slow process, but a year after that realization, things are going back to normal. I can go in the basement by myself and leave the door unlocked, I can go outside at night (usually) and I can leave my curtains open all day and most nights. I haven't had my recurring nightmare in almost a year. I realized that what I want to share with my friend about my reality of motherhood is simply this: parenting is all about faith. Being a parent is beyond what a person can do alone, it is terrifying to think that you are responsible for another person's well being (let alone 4 other people!) and there will be things that are just beyond you. It is scary to know that each decision you make for your child can affect who they are and what they can do in the future. The only way to avoid parenting and panicking is trusting God to lead you, trusting God to be there for your child when you can't.
